I need to breathe. Breathe deep. I only slept about 4 or 5 hours last night, after staying up till almost 3:00 a.m. trying to get things done. This is not what the Christmas season is all about, is it? I shouldn't be so stressed that I am almost in tears and practically shaking from the thought of all that I need to do – want to do – have to do.
I doubt if there is going to be enough money to go around to get everything that the children would like for Christmas. So I think it's going to come down to just a few little things and that's all we'll be able to do. There are doctor appointments next week, bills to be paid, and I am in my dark place where I just want to crawl in that little hole and pull the covers over my head and hide until its all over and done with.
I have Christmas cards still sitting here that have been addressed and sealed, but have not been sent, because I didn't have the funds for the postage. I tried to upload the Christmas CD that is included in all of the cards last night so that I could at least share that with all of my online friends that I had promised cards to – and I couldn't even manage to do that without making a gawd awful mess.
My house is a mess. I don't know how it got that way – but it looks as though a hurricane came through in the middle of the night and just demolished everything – or perhaps its just my wigged out brain's way of processing the clutter left behind by the children. I won't even mention what their rooms look like. I am too tired to fight with them about their rooms. I have talked and talked till I am blue in the face this week about getting their rooms clean – keeping their rooms clean – and it goes in one ear and out the other.
So I feel as though I've let my children down, my friends down, myself down. I had such plans for being organized and on top of my game this year – and here I am once again, with less than 48 hours to go – and haven't accomplished an effing thing yet.
Next year will be different. Come hell or high water – one way or another – I am not going to put myself through all of this again next year. I'm not. Christmas will be taken care of by the beginning of December so that I can sit back (like a normal human being) and enjoy the holiday season with my family the way that it should be.
A girl can dream anyway – right?